Dear Cell Phone User,

Have you checked your World Clock lately? How about the stopwatch? Do you have a pressing need to count down stuff? Or perhaps you're a fan of the tip calculator. After a big meal basic math can be quite challenging.

I don't get these apps. I mean, I get them, I have them, by why? World Clock? Stopwatch? These items belong on my Casio G-Shock watch, not my cell phone.

Why stop there? How about adding a PEZ dispenser. I get darn hungry digging through a dozen menus to find my task list and would appreciate a tasty treat. A task list on a free flip with a numeric keypad? Can you imagine! First you would have to locate the task list, then switch from T9 to NUM to enter the day and time! Give me a break, and another PEZ; I'm starving.

How about adding a barometer? Or maybe a thermometer with a real glob of genuine mercury? Maybe a whistle.

Come to think of it, if cell phones vibrate and come with skins, how about adding a pregnancy test? Okay that one was a stretch.

I'm sure there is a world traveler out there who can't calculate 15% and has a predilection for timing everything, but building applications for that guy makes the rest of us look bad.

Here's a thought. How about instead of these silly apps, someone design a voice recognition program that doesn't hear "Potato" when I say "Call Susan". That would be a good thing.

Or maybe a stun gun. Sure it'd drain the battery, but can you imagine what a Geek Hero you'd be if you actually used it to save someone?

And what's up with the MP3 player? I honest to goodness do not see people walking around with stereo headsets jamming to their favorite tunes on their phone. They use an IPOD!!!!

How about putting a flashlight feature on a phone? Push a button and you have a strong, focused light anytime you need it. Now that makes sense.

I have no need to know what time it is in Wackamenia and I tip 20% just fine without the help of a deeply buried application listed in the wrong subcategory.

Give something I can use, like an application that instantly cross-checks license plate numbers with their corresponding cell phone numbers, so I can call the guy in front of me and invite him to accelerate.

So there you have it. A phone with a stun gun, PEZ dispenser, flashlight and thermometer. The new Verizon Commando "Snack Attack" LX9900, for people who enjoy equal parts recreation and recon.
See? That wasn't so hard.

Give me another PEZ.