Why Gorillias Must Not Be Given Cell Phones

Anyone who has seen any of the Planet of the Apes movies knows that gorillas are dangerous when they organize. That alone is reason enough for going to great lengths to prevent cell phones from getting in the hands of a gorilla.

As everyone knows, gorillas have formed a loosely organized communication system in the US over the past 15 years, a communications system in which Captains (Top Gorillas generally featured at the more prominent zoos), communicate through a hierarchy that in many ways echos a Mafia organization.

The only thing preventing gorillas from meaningful organization is a solid, reliable communication system. Fortunately, gorillas are still sending messages via word of mouth, which considerably slows their takeover plans.

But imagine if even one zoo patron inadvertently drops a cell phone into a gorilla cage? The entire dynamic would change overnight. Word would travel that the humans have developed a wireless communication system. Other gorillas would be poised to get a cell phone, and then those two gorillas would begin communicating, and at that point everything goes to hell. Gorilla hell damn it.

If this all sounds far-fetched, consider the dolphin revolution of 1989. It practically tore this country apart. Thank goodness for the measured thinking of Woods Hole scientists or today we’d be speaking dolphin. Now that’s a tough language.

Still unconvinced? How about the feral dog overthrow of southern Georgia during the entire summer of 1993. You will recall that the National Guard had to be called in and many lives were lost before the feral dogs, loosely organized and righteous in their cause, were finally brought back to captivity. And they used landlines to communicate.

Once a gorilla gets a taste of a 320 x 240 pixel resolution camera, their worldview will change. Text messaging will be an easy obstacle to overcome due to T9 and newer, more spacious slide-out keypads, and should any gorilla stumble across a third party voice recognition program, we can only pray.

I behoove all of you to contact your state senators and congressmen to inspire legislation that will prevent gorillas from in any way coming in contact with a cell phone. This should be at the top of the national agenda. But the major television networks remain suspiciously silent. Gorilla payoffs? I’m just sayin’.

The next time you visit a zoo, look into the eyes of the gorillas. They are watching. Waiting.

We must prevent the gorillas from accessing our 3G network. Do it for your own peace of mind. Do it for your neighbor. For God’s sakes man, do it for your children!